“Good” TV shows I Will Never Watch


bars3Special note: I am not including the vampire show with the girl from the X-men movies or the TV version of Skyrim because I’ve seen a couple of scenes from those shows thanks to my wife. Those shows suck, but I feel like I’m making informed decisions. The ones that follow are pretty much guesswork except where otherwise noted.

Friday Night Lights

You know what? All things considered, high school was probably the least important part of my life. I played some guitar and started smoking, read Kurt Vonnegut and got laid a couple of times. Now, as an adult, I’m amazed that every third TV show is set in high school and acts like it’s some perfect elastic metaphor for every part of the human condition.

Glee

The same thing I said above, only including the added disincentive of high school choirs covering overplayed pop songs. I like that lady from Best in Show and I think the visual of her in an Adidas tracksuit is inspired, but an a capella version of a Foreigner ballad is enough to make me punch a TV.

House

First, it’s set in a hospital. I’ve been to hospitals and haven’t liked them. Why would I spend my precious leisure time at one. Also, I would never be able to get past how the pill popping, tough talking, limp walking (wordplay!) doctor is a fancy little Englishman playing make believe as an American.

Battlestar Galactica (the remake)

I made the mistake of reading two articles about this show, so I actually know something about it. It’s supposed to be like Star Trek on Steroids and oxycontin, and I like all three of those things, so it should be a huge Mister Bulger TV Party. But evidently “All Along the Watchtower” is somehow central to the show’s mythology, which I cannot abide. It’s a terrible song and a cliché. And isn’t this supposed to be about killer robots in space? Can’t it at least be like a Flaming Lips or David Bowie song or something? Also, I read about the show’s last episode and it sounds like an epic letdown.

Downton Abbey

There is no period in history I am less interested in than England between 1870 and 1930. It might actually be interesting, but there is so much literature, TV shows and films covering that time that there’s nothing new left to it. Evidently, the whole show is about rich English people arguing about the right way to fold napkins and from what I understand, it’s set during World War I? What? Couldn’t you set a scene in  Serbia or something?

The Walking Dead

If zombie ate me, I’m pretty sure my last words would be “this is so fucking boring.”  There’s too much zombie culture out there. We’ve reached zombie tipping point.  Ironically, the zombie threat has been eliminated because we’ve been overrun by zombie culture. Both versions of Dawn of the Dead and the book “World War Z” are still crazy rad, though.

The New HBO show with Dustin Hoffman

I’m done with “good” HBO shows. It won’t be as good as The Wire and I’ve seen The Wire, so how much am I really missing? These shows have no commercial breaks and go on forever. It would take a full day to watch a season of one of these shows. I even gave up on Boardwalk Empire, and I liked that show!  With the exception of The Wire, all of these shows would be much better as three hour movies. Even The Sopranos felt pretty padded after a while.

 

 

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4 Comments

Filed under Television

4 responses to ““Good” TV shows I Will Never Watch

  1. Great article, all were bulls-eyes, except of course the series you started out with, Friday Night Lights. The fact that you put Friday Night Lights in the same tv show category as Glee makes me sicker than a vegan in a hot dog factory. I’m gonna get Tim Riggins to kick your ass.

  2. Some agreement, some quibbles–what did you expect? First of all, Glee is for people who are currently attending high school or who behave as if high school never ended. I never watch the show; it makes my voice go high. Next, House is a medical update of Sherlock Holmes (Holmes, House, get it?), which is not to recommend it, since if you’ve seen it one episode you’ve seen every episode, except maybe the new ones where he doesn’t wear the hairpiece anymore. Battlestar Galactica is pretentious (and bad) soap opera dressed in explosions and faux mysticism; seeing the robot get naked was a plus, but you can see that for free on the Internet. Downton Abbey was more honest when they called it Falcon Crest, although I have to say I have a weakness for anything with British people. I can’t listen to a lady speaking a British accent and keep my pants on. I have to avoid TV when the Queen gives press conferences. The Walking Dead is worth trying, although again it’s a soap opera dressed up in entrails; I enjoy it to see how close this will follow the comic book (and by the way, if they do, it would be a very bad idea). Dustin Hoffman’s show has already been sent to the glue factory because you didn’t watch it.

  3. Pingback: Dig If You Will the Picture: Track by Track with Purple Rain (Side 2) | Mister Bulger

  4. ericelectronic

    right on! this line made me drop the eggs I was gonna cook cause I was laughing so hard: “If zombie ate me, I’m pretty sure my last words would be “this is so fucking boring.”

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