Topics of Conversation Men Should Avoid on First Dates

SpongeBob SquarePants (character)Hey fellas. I’m married and therefore out of the dating racket. I’ve acquired some expertise in courtship that’s going under-used. So, in the opening salvo in what might be a reoccurring feature, I’m a-gonna pass on some unsolicited advice for the single dudes of the world.

Here’s a list of subject matters that you should keep for a mature relationship or, in some cases, never. They range in intensity from “mild discomfort” to “the pretty lady will run screaming from the table.”

  • Taxi Driver
  • Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica—most science fiction, actually.
  • Stories, observations and personal reminiscences about cats, positive or negative. The phrase “I actually like cats” is acceptable, provided there is no further elaboration.
  • Office politics
  • Progressive Rock
  • The Lord of the Rings trilogy and all other non-Game of Thrones fantasy books, TV shows and movies.
  • Ex Girlfriends
  • Children’s cartoons up to and including SpongeBob SquarePants.
  • Adult cartoons up to and including The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad and South Park. 
  • Parents (unless they’re famous or dead: get that out of the way quickly)
  • Mixed martial arts
  • Frank Zappa
  • Libertarian Politics
  • Pornography
  • Korn
  • The Federal Reserve
  • The Diary of Anne Frank
  • The Holocaust in general
  • Skrillex
  • Hockey
  • Prostitution
  • With the notable exception of Raising Arizona, Nic Cage movies.
  • Stuff on the internet
  • Professional wrestling
  • strip clubs
  • Magic (stage or otherwise)
  • Rick Santorum
  • “Funny” Pranks in High School
  • Furries
  • Scientology
  • Your dick. (Unless the timing is absolutely right. When it is, you’ll know. Like if your pants are off and she’s not upset about it, you’re probably in the clear.)

Published by Mister Bulger

Adam Bulger is the editor in chief of and a frequent contributor to the parenting website He's also recently written for the wedding site and the college student aide Less recently, he's written for The Believer, Forbes, The Atlantic's website, Suicidegirls, Inked Magazine and probably about a dozen other places that are too obscure or defunct to bother listing.

One thought on “Topics of Conversation Men Should Avoid on First Dates

  1. If a guy brought up all of those topics on the first date with me and had something substantive to say about them, it would go down in history as the best and most interesting date ever.

    Most guys try to steer the conversation WAY too much toward money so they can talk about how much they do or will eventually make. I seriously can’t think of anything less interesting or sexy.

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