What to Do When Billy Idol Walks into the Bar 

billy idol
You will recognize Billy Idol by his haircut. He will be wearing some variation on the peroxide blond spikes he’s been rocking since the late ‘70s. He may or may not be wearing leather, so just look for the blond spikes.

Bartenders are advised to greet him with something along the lines of “what’ll it be tonight, Mr. Idol.” I haven’t checked but I’m almost positive Billy Idol is a fake name. Even if it’s not, it’s funny to call him Mr. Idol. Like hoew the Times “Arts and Leisure” section used to call Snoop “Mr. Dogg.”

You may have the bourbon Rebel Yell behind the bar. Don’t bother offering it. He’ll be able to see the bottle on his own. He’s surely tired of being offered it. Be the one cool bartender who doesn’t mention it.

When he’s done with his first round, feel free to ask him if he wants to sink another drink. Act confused. Pretend you didn’t know it was a line from one of his songs. Then later reveal you knew it was from one of his songs all along. Everybody will laugh because it’s a funny joke.

If you are a pretty girl, expect him to hit on you. You’re under no obligation to sleep with him, of course. You can if you want to. It could be fun or it might be weird.

If you want him to stop hitting on you, mention something about how much your dad used to like him. This will make Billy Idol feel old and deflate his ego enough to make him move on to another girl.

If you’re a man, expect Mr. Idol to be warmly curt with you. You will have time for one short interaction, such as a brief anecdote or question. Perhaps he can tell you about what a funny guy Adam Sandler was on the set of the Wedding Singer. Or whether it bothers him when people yell “hey motherfucker get laid get fucked” while he sings “Mony, Mony.”

When Billy Idol says “Cheers Mate,” this is your cue that he wants to politely end the conversation. Extending the conversation past this point will confuse and irritate Billy Idol. Billy Idol will not think that you’re a cool guy.

If Billy Idol is alone at any point in the evening, do not ask him if he’s tired of dancing with himself. It’s embarrassing for everyone, especially you.

Published by Mister Bulger

Adam Bulger is the editor in chief of BTRtoday.com and a frequent contributor to the parenting website Fatherly.com. He's also recently written for the wedding site ThePlunge.com and the college student aide Coursehero.com. Less recently, he's written for The Believer, Forbes, The Atlantic's website, Suicidegirls, Inked Magazine and probably about a dozen other places that are too obscure or defunct to bother listing.

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